It's Valentines day, and my only source of company is the feathered remains of an increasingly decomposing Pigeon which lies just outside my window. I thought about my life, and everything I'm doing and what's stopping me do all the projects and experiences I feel like I should be. In the end I just came out with this.
How can I expect to write on the world, When days are spent hiding alone? Do I have a right to debate my points, If I’m refusing to pick up my phone?
Given a chance I’d talk in riddles, Dazzling with my slippery tongue. Lie and cheat just to clear all paths, Charming you softly in innocent song.
The sunshine beams through boldly, Begging and cajoling for me to appear, But can I live in the warmth of its glow, Shielding my eyes when blinded by fear?
Am I truly allowed to
say I love you,
Not entirely sure I know what it means?
Can my lips brush lightly on yours,
Or would I just fall apart at the seams?
There's an endless amount of hate for January. It's always this time of the year where I begin to question my path in life. Is what I'm doing the right thing for me. The answer is almost certainly no, but January seems to bring out the worst, depressed, stressed side of me. So what I do is write. I write and write until the words and the brain stops thinking. Here's the first in what could be quite a few poems in the next few days.
January
Reflecting into the bleak January morning,
Dealing with decisions delicately dawning,
Take a glance over the map of my plans,
Blueprints of destiny I hold in my hands.
Torn between the path now chosen to travel,
Seemingly left to twist and unravel.
And the route that requires me to be brave,
But the seams of my soul it’s likely to save.
Whirlwinds and hurricanes are heading my way. Battering my vessel and leading me astray.
Washed over with thoughts of dying alone,
Endless doubts over this course have blown.
While it’s true the alternative will also feel pain,
There’s a chance I’ll stand tall while facing the rain.
Emerge through the worst and step up to run,
A short time from now we will bask in the sun.
Sat at the train station having said my goodbyes, only then did it start to sink in that I was actually going back to face the music. The long nights of endless essay writing, hopeless exam revision and generally trying to deal with life. And I'm sat there.
I look around to other people with their suitcases. Like me, they're stood around expressionless, just staring quietly towards the other platform. A part of me wonders about their back-stories. Here we are, a group of strangers connected by the 11.19 from Newark Northgate, and yet we all have our stories to tell.
Where are their journeys taking them? Did they have an emotional embrace when they arrived at the station, or was it a casual goodbye? When they set foot on the train, will it be felt with relief or indifference? Everyone has their own back story and for the most part their stories are left untapped. I bet if you unpicked the story of every person standing on the platform you would find a brilliant story in there somewhere. People are more fascinating than they give themselves credit for.
Like much of what I write, I'm not really going anywhere with this. I guess it makes me realise I'm not the only person with problems. Everyone on that platform will have had a trauma in their life, and no matter how low you're feeling, someone else will have felt something similar, they may even be feeling it now. All of these people will have had an achievement of sorts in their life too. There are so many spectacular people in our world that don't even know it. At that moment it made me happy that I had those ambitions to be spectacular. I was just another insignificant person stood at the train station, yet I still felt I could be more. Ambition is one of the more important assets we can own.
I do like to write a bit of poetry when I'm feeling something. And tonight, because it's my last night at home, I'm feeling a bit melancholy, so I dug deep into the depths of my dark imagination and this came out.
The devil treats me to a montage,
Lets my heart divulge,
And gorge on the love,
Before twisting my gaze
To a monsoon in the distance,
A whirlpool of worry,
With fires of fury,
Darkness descending.
Stuck on this conveyor belt,
It gets closer and closer,
Unable to stop,
Or turn back.
Left to accept my fate,
With a quivering lip,
A tear down my cheek
Regret in my mind.
It’s a beautiful spring morning, and a young man walks
through town with the kind of swagger that he’s not experienced before. Last
night he plucked up the courage to tell the girl he fancies exactly how he
feels and ended up kissing her. For him, this level of bravery is unheard of,
so he’s rightfully proud of himself. He puts his Ipod on shuffle walking
through the masses and this song comes on, and everything feels right in the
world.
Ok, so it didn’t shuffle. I put it on because I saw Joseph
Gordon Levitt bounce along happily to this song in (500) Days of Summer and
wanted to know what it felt like. But still, listening to it at the time and
feeling incredible is one of the stand-out moments of 2012. Sure, I went to
some incredible places and had quite a few unique adventures, but to be able to
pinpoint the exact moment when I felt completely, blissfully alive is unique.
And thinking back to it now reminds me that it doesn’t need to take much to
find that place again, and with a little bit of work it’s completely possible.
There will be times when I whine hopelessly about my
romantic life, and for that I apologise in advance. But when you think back to
the warm feeling it gives you inside, it’s easy to see why people crave it so
much. At that moment, there was nothing in the world that would bring me down,
even when I was completely lost in my thoughts and nearly slipped off the kerb.
The next song I played was Girls and Boys in Love by The Rumble Strips, and the
journey home continued in that vein.
A few days later, I willingly let my heart get trampled and
listened to The Fray on my walk through town. Life’s fickle.
2.Love
is All – The Tallest Man on Earth
For me, there’s nothing better than hearing something which
melts every problem away. Instead of constantly thinking about everything, you
can just stop and appreciate what you’re listening to. At St Bartholemew’s
Church in Brighton, I enjoyed one of the more spellbinding nights I can ever
remember. If I was a technical music critic I would confidently use phrases
like “the acoustics were incredible,” but I’m not. All I know is his guitar cut
through the crowd like a chainsaw, and his voice was simply stunning.
Nights like these that make me believe there’s more to life
than getting a plush job and earning a lot of money in a bid to be successful.
The ones who have sussed it right are the ones living and loving every bit of
this world they can. Right now I’m not worried about the future. As long as I
take the chances to feel something and smile then I really don’t need much.
Call me naïve, but happiness really is the most important thing in the
world. This song is bittersweet yet
beautiful, and I would very much urge you to see him live if you get the chance
one day.
This was the first gig I went to with Teddy, and I can’t
wait to see many more with her in the future. She’s one of the truest friends
I’ve made since starting University, who I can randomly meet up for a drink
with to talk about anything. I just wanted to mention her in this because I
know the last year wouldn’t have been half as good without her.
3.The
Ground – Orla Gartland
I think this girl is the reason I’m still writing. She reminds
me that even if you aren’t a huge name, you can still find success by working
hard and persevering. The first time I heard her voice was a chance discovery
after looking for Little Lion Man covers on Youtube. Since then she’s moved to
a whole new level. In fact as I write she’s in Brighton recording her newest
EP.
This song in particular is one of the more beautiful I’ve
heard in the last year. The way she seduces you in with her guitar at the start
is quite striking. There’s a lesson in keeping strong and realising it’s ok to
admit you’re struggling. Her music has been a revelation in the last year, and
still a teenager she should have a big future in the industry if there’s any
justice in the world. I hope she gets the chance to take her opportunities, just
like I hope to take mine in the future.
For me though, she also represents an opportunity lost. As part
of my course we have to interview someone of interest and do an audio piece as
well. After initially getting a reply from her agent giving me the go ahead, he
stopped replying to my emails and eventually I stopped pestering. I could have
pushed it a little harder, but in the end my own lack of motivation and
niggling doubts just stopped me giving it a go. Now I’ve properly started
putting my focus to writing, I’m going to do my level best not to avoid these
chances again.
So I’m going to try and give up alcohol. No more four packs
of Strongbow for a pre-drinking session before a night out at Atlantis. No more
Vodka jelly shots perched on the pool table with Dancenation TV on in the
background. Certainly no more lethal Sambuca shots that leave holes in an
already hazy night, until your friends tell you about the girl you tried to
talk to before falling flat on your face on the dance floor.
2013 is upon us, and so begins the sober era. This isn’t a
rash decision made during a harsh hangover after New Year’s eve either, it’s
something that I’ve been building up to the last few experiences I’ve drank
excessive amounts of alcohol.
To demonstrate why I’m going to give it up, here is a rough
chain of events.
1.We
decide we’re going to go out. I get hideously excited and convince myself that
this is going to be a really good night out.
2.Start
drinking about half eight, by ten I’m drunk with my housemates and I convince
myself things are going to be different from now on and I’m going to find
someone on my night out and all in all life is going to be good.
3.Go
out about half ten, I then realise that none of these people would ever be
interested in me, get myself depressed and embarrassed for thinking they would,
and try to understand why I’m even doing this anyway.
4.Walk
home about 1am to face the hangover the next morning
5.A
week later, repeat cycle.
The thing is, drinking at University is a great way to try
and fit in, seeing as though there are a lot of people doing it. When you’re a
young impressionable person who really could use a friend or two more, going
out and getting drunk with other people is very tempting, as it comes under the
“anything to prevent more hours alone than absolutely necessary” category.
And of course, there’s the whole issue of money and wanting
a better body, but they’re added bonuses rather than reasons. Drinking is
slowly turning me into the type of person I despise, so it’s time to tackle
this problem head on and just stop. Maybe then other parts of my life will
start to sort themselves out along with it. If I’m going to feel anything this
year, I want it to be with a real sober heart, rather than a drunken one which
would bullshit anything for a quick thrill.
So for 364 days (Yep, I’ve already managed to achieve this for
a day), I’m going to go alcohol-free. I’m not sure how it’s going to work out
in practice, but I guess that’s all part of the thrill of the ride. Last year,
I wrote a poem every day, and only lasted for 200 days, but this one is more
realistic and achievable. I’ll then crack open a can next New Year’s eve and
see where my life is by that point.
I've been meaning to write this for quite a while. Over the past few weeks, I'd started writing about what was on my mind, but I could never quite do him justice. University is a test for the friendships you've built back home, and one of the regrets in my life in recent times has been the way I seem to have lost my best friend.
The last time I saw him, we sat together and talked about going back to University for our second year. It turns out he was less enthusiastic than most, and had been considering quitting. I told him that all I ever cared about, was making sure he found something in life that made him happy. If I saw him today, I'd offer him the same advice.
Last year, there was a time I was writing poems everyday for fun. However it reached stage where they were being written for the sake of being written, with little or no meaning. When it reached that point I vowed to stop, and only write when there was something I wanted to stay. Today I have something I want to say and this poem has been harder to write than any I can remember.
I really do miss him.
You’d been away from my mind for far too long.
Maybe I was hiding from all that was wrong.
I like to reflect on the best you could be.
The side that only a select few would see.
Hands of time are moving faster these days.
We left each other happy in the sweet summer haze.
Only to emerge when the leaves had turned brown.
Smiles we once shared are now lonely frowns.
Paving over cracks growing wider all the time.
Ignoring the problems was my biggest crime.
But days became weeks became half a year.
In the back of my mind there was always a fear.
Doubts crept in my head when life tore us apart.
Visions of your silence nearly broke up my heart.
I like to think we bought the best from each other.
Thicker than friends you were more like my brother.
Sorry for the months I haven’t been here to talk.
I will be proud whichever path you now walk.
Praying you respond to the texts that I send.
More than anything now, I just miss my friend.
I hope to see you soon for another cup of tea in Starbucks mate, and I hope I see you happy.
